When Life Becomes One Big Wreck...

To be honest with you people. I feel like my life has become one big wreck. And, I mean it in the way that I feel like God is smashing it to pieces. He seems to want to do that to me off and on. I feel it more now that I am in college. But, I realize that I am more of an adult today than I once was (especially since highschool). And, the thought truly makes me happy. I love that God has grown me. But, I feel like I must be really stubborn because a lot of His methods cause much pain. But, I know He wants to grow me in my faith more than I would if life were so happy-go-lucky all the time!

I feel more than ever God is preparing me for real ministry. I see this in a couple ways: more than ever I feel let down by humans. And, I realize how capable people are of just really hurting you. The only person you can really rely on is Christ.I don't say this to sound like,"I hate humans, they stink!" The truth is we are flawed. It's so easy to let humans fulfill you in life. But, eventually you have to realize that Christ is the only one you can truly count on that never lets you down! This is good to realize when you are looking at a life of ministry in your future. People you pour you life, energy and time into can at any moment let you down, turn their back or be completely ungrateful towards you. This is what happens in ministry. I must realize now that no matter what people say or do, I still must love them and be Christ to them. And, I can't run away from ministry or missions because people are hard to deal with. God continues to show me that He is the greatest love I could ever know. But, still sometimes I wrestle with it and set out to prove that there are greater loves in my life.

I also feel like God showed me so much this summer about living with less. How it is compeletely possible to be so happy without a thing. A house is not a home because of the possessions you put in it. I was in a wreck this past weekend. And, my most prized possession (besides my purity ring from my parents) was my car. I loved that thing. And, I couldn't understand why God would allow me to completely total it! I mean, I guess in my brain I am thinking He could've stopped it. And, I think about how grateful I was for that car and how much I LOVED Him. There were still sometimes I was cheesy enough to ride down the road in it and thank God for that car! But, I guess a decision on my part just tore that thing to shreds. And, I sit here realizing how much in my life seems to be hard to deal with all at once. And, sometimes I wonder why God couldn't just teach me things in a less painful way. But, then I realize that it doesn't have to make sense to me. ANd the more questions you ask of God the less answers you seem to get. His ways will most likely never make sense to be this side of heaven. But, everything just comes down to trusting. Trusting how loving, Holy, Gracious, Jealous, and everything He is all in one. And it is times like this when I realize maybe God isn't who I sometimes like to make Him out to be. God is probably doing this to show me more of who He REALLY is. We don't always get the comfortable, easy times in life. And we must learn how to continue living, serving Him and loving others regardless of how hard we have it or how much our life seems to be hurting us.

Sometimes I wonder why God would choose to have me go the most painful route to learn a lesson I feel didn't have to take so much hurt. However, then I realize HE is in the business of changing who I am. See, it's always about Him. It's never about me. And sometimes it takes the most painful things to make me force myself to realize what living life can really be like.

Don't let this blog depress you.ha. Just let it be a reminder that God is not through with me yet. Sometimes, you have to go through the rain to see a rainbow. And, that is super cheesy and kind of dumb...yet so true!

Some pictures...And, believe me...sharing them with you hurts my heart a little bit. Goodbye Girdie, and apparently hello to a new me.




A picture BEFORE Girdie was in a wreck. He's beautiful!

And then....






I'm gonna miss you
I'm gonna miss you when you're gone
She said, "I love you"
I'm gonna miss hearing your songs

And I said, "Please"
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how every living thing goes away

She said, "Friend,
All along-
Thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die"

"Hey everyone,
I got nowhere to go
The grave is lazy
He takes our bodies slowly"

And I said, "Please"
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how every little thing goes away

She said, "Friend,
All along-
Thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to...
Die
Die
I've been learning how to die."

Meredith is making a casserole right now and it made me laugh because she had some extra bread crumbs and looked at me and said,"I am going to go feed them to the ground hogs outside." I just had this mental image of her going to feed the ground hogs that I have never seen in our yard. She was outside a while so I thought she was waiting on them to show up. Actually, she went down to the ground hogs hole and threw at the opening. I think that makes me laugh too!