In This World There's A Whole Lot Of Trouble...

This week has been really busy. I feel like I am just being buried under all of this work that I don't even have time for right now. I am trying to be diligent and make it to where I don't feel quite so stressed out! I keep telling myself that I am ready to be done with college. But, it dawned on me yesterday that I have yet to really think about the next step in my life. And when I seriously sit down and think about it I get a little freaked out. Especially realizing I will be out on my own after all of this is over and done with.

College has constantly broken me of who I was when I arrived on campus. And looking back I don't even recognize that "me" anymore. I have definitely been stretched. I am thankful that in Christ the future always has hope. I realize lately that I need to live more in the present. I live too much in the future and in the past. This doesn't really get me anywhere. I have also realized there is much further to go in this refining process with God.

I feel as if God is preparing me for some things in my future that I otherwise wouldn't be capable of dealing with. Before this year any troubling circumstance in my life would make it impossible for me to even have a smile on my face (even around those that make me happy). It would also have made me so despaired that I wouldn't be able to see any good in the world anymore. Looking back on it, at times, this part of who I used to be makes me laugh. But, in all seriousness I am thankful for the hard situations God has brought into my life to make me realize I always have a reason to be joyful. And, I am so thankful that God has taught me the art of not giving up! I still fail, and I have to constantly fight off this part of my old self. In the end, though, I think it is worth it. Because, this world is HARD work and there will always be troubles. I must learn how to deal with them in teh proper way. I find hope in seeing people who have learned how to do this. And hope that with each day I can handle what life throws at me no matter what they may be with somewhat of a cheerful and hopeful heart.

The power of words has really struck me hard lately. And, I realize in my own life they hold the most power in relationships. I often find myself asking questions to get the affirmation that someone is not saying to me. I have begun to realize that I will never be affirmed and comforted by humans in this world the way I need to. I can really only rely on God to affirm me and make me realize my worth. Other people don't fill this void in my life. It's so interesting to realize how someone can spend so much time building another up with words and then they can tear them all down in ten minutes if they really wanted to. The Bible says we humans have learned to control everything in life. But, when it comes down to it, not even the smartest and strongest person can tame the tongue! That amazes me. My tongue often gets me in trouble. I tend to say whatever is going on inside my head. I have often wished lately that I could take the power away from words. And, I have also wished I could take back the power I have given other people in my life to hurt me however they wish. We are ultimately all selfish. And we generally don't mind hurting or demolishing others if it means we will be better off for it. I have seen this at work relentlessly in the situations around me lately.

The older I get the more I see of what sin has done to humankind. And I realize it's effects on me even. I am amazed at the attitude that people have towards those they say they care about. And even those they say they don't. Life has become somewhat of a play. And we have all put ourselves as the central character. We want the attention and we will step on anyone who gets in the way of our lime light. We don't feel like loving others, so we don't. We don't want to deal with something, so we don't. And somehow even in the realm of christianity we have made this out to be ok. Even though God says we are to constantly give ourselves up for everyone around us.

I have come to see how monsterous this task really is! This is because as I get older I have seen how everyone can be such a monster. Without the love of Christ living inside of us there is absolutely no way we can ever be what we need to for other people. We are called to complete give up ourselves for the sake of others. We are called to turn the other cheek no matter what someone does to us. How hard this is when you actually start growing up and realizing the severity of human depravity. And, I have come to grips with the fact that herein lies my future. I will be going out among the world trying to win them to Christ. Not only that, but I will be a foreigner to them. Someone who is at the bottom of their society. And I will be dealing with those who have no moral compass to guide them at all because they don't have Christ. How horrible Christians can be to each other but just wait until you are out in the world with the people who don't even know who Christ is.

I guess I am realizing how horrible it can be and how hurtful it can be to deal with humans and their finsful behavior. It gets exhausting to give of yourself and recieve nothing in return. yet, this is somewhat how my future might just loook like. I do feel as if God has made me into a stronger person for it! I am thanful for the hard times now because I know they will help me in the hard times later. I have been ripped to shreds by those I deemed trustworthy many times. And, I have also been hurt by those that I didn't even know.

How fragile the human heart is. yet life requires us to trust and place it in other's hands. I guess I might just be giving my heart to people the rest of my life who have the tendency to tear it to pieces if they really wanted. I ams ure some of them will.

I will stop now though because I am sure everyone is getting pretty depressed by this. Don't worry, I am not. Just some thoughts I am having lately.

A little Hmong girl was in our trailer yesterday. She was only 5 years old. It made me excited about this summer!

this song by Andrew Peterson sums it up nicely:

In this world there's a whole lot of trouble, baby
In this world there's a whole lot of pain
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble
But a whole lot of ground to gain

Why take when you could be giving?
Why watch as the world goes by?
It's a long enough life to be living
Why walk when you can fly?

In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow
In this world there's a whole lot of shame
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow
But a whole lot of ground to gain

When you spend your whole life wishing
Watching and wondering why
It's a hard enough life to be living
Why walk when you can fly?

In this world there's a whole lot of golden
In this world there's a whole lot of plain
In this world you've a soul for a compass
And a heart for a pair of wings

There's a star on the far horizon
Rising bright in an azure sky
But with the rest of the time you've been given
Why walk when you can fly
High
High