The bad thing about going on a mission trip to a country for two months when you have my personality is part of you stays there. I developed a love for the Philippines fairly quickly. And if it were not for all the loved ones I left behind I think I would've adjusted really well to living there. It's funny how when you are halfway across the world you tend to focus on getting back to those you left behind so much at times that you miss the beauty of the moment. Steven Curtis Chapman has a song "The Miracle of the Moment". And some of the words are: So breath it in and breath it out and listen to your heartbeat. There's a wonder in the here and now. It's right there in front of you and I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment." How much Satan would like to steal the moment we are living in right now from us. He does this by making us worry, miss God's will for our lives, making us focus on the negative so we miss the good,etc...And, this happens in my own life far too often. I miss the miracle of where I am at RIGHT NOW! I miss what God wants to do in and through me TODAY because I am focused on too many other things. I have no doubt some days in the Philippines I missed the "miracle of the moment" because I was too focused on other things. Such as: seeing those I loved dearly again, what cerain things would be like, this next school year, etc...I fear now I am missing some miracles too because I am too focused on other things. I do not want this to be the case. Because when I look back on my time in the Philippines I have two regrets: one is that I didn't completely appreciate and live in the moment of the day because I was too focused on other things. And the other has nothing to do with the subject of this blog.
One thing is for sure: part of my heart is still in the Philippines. I think I realize that more and more each day I get away from that trip. Last night I had a vivid dream about my time there. And, I loved it. I love dreaming about the kids because for a moment I feel I can be with them again. In my dream I decided to fly back to the orphanage with Sarah and Cameron. I arrived in a car with Shannon and Heather (the New Zealand missionaries I worked with this summer). As soon as I got out I saw the normal scene I would see there when the kids got home from school: the children having fun and playing in the yard. Something immediately caught my attention: MJ. She was being pushed down to the dirt by one of the other children. I immediately ran over to her and scooped her up in my arms to see if she was ok. She looked up at me and with excitment she said,"Ate Jessica". And I saw a glimpse of what I used to see everyday in the Philippines. It was something priceless and one of my favorite moments. When the kids pulled up in the bus everday from school I LOVED watching them get off. You could read on their faces the excitment of us welcoming them home. MJ was my favorite to watch though because she liked to be all tough. And you could tell she wanted to be all tough coming back from school. But nothing could keep her from smiling either. When her eyes caught mine she would immediately smile. It reminds me of myself. When I got back from the Philippines I was so excited to see my family that I couldn't stop smiling. But I felt dumb that I was smilling so much so I tried to hide it and by acting all tough when I saw them. haha. Maybe I saw a little bit of myself in MJ somedays. But, I would give anything to stand in the yard once again and see that little girl get off the bus and to watch her as she tried not smiling at me. The most precious thing was that there was not even one day where she could hold back that smile.
Mj loved when planes would fly overhead. So one day I taught her how to act like a plane. And we would go flying around the yard somedays on our way to eat lunch together acting like we were planes. IT's silly...but I love those memories.
I saw another scene in my dream. I went into the kitchen and all the kids were gathered in a circle (like we did every night). They were singing songs to God in Cebuano. It was also one of my favorite memories. Hearing those little voices praise Jesus in their own language. I would give anything to have that back.
The scariest thing to me is that in time I know these memories will fade. But they were some of the most precious moments I have lived up to this point in my life. My heart aches for MJ and I also ache to love those kids again. I miss them deeply. And if I were in the position where i could adopt MJ right now I think I would. That's how much I love that little girl. In a way I felt like we were two puzzle pieces that fit. I'm weird. She was weird. THe little things I used to do with her that would usually annoy little kids just made her laugh and she would do them right back to me. It was so cute. Is it weird to say I think we were made for each other? I know you only use that in the context of boy/girl relationships. But, I mean it in a completely different way here. Yet I feel it is so fitting.
My heart aches for them today...
Random side note: today I had someone come up to me and ask if I was ok. They followed it up with the statement: I was just wondering because you don't look good. You just look like you are not feeling well or something. haha. I was just thinking,
How encouraging. Thank you!". However, I just replied I was EXTREMELY tired today. Which is very true! So, I am going to assume that is why I look hideous! Lol.
2 comments:
It's good that you're writing down these memories. So when they inevitably fade...you can read over this post or your journal and remember MJ.
Maybe someday God will call you to live in the Philippines again, and you'll be older...so you can adopt Mj. Who knows!?!?
Looking tired or like you're not feeling well does not equal looking hideous! I'm glad your memories are good from this summer! It will be something you can always look back on and smile and be very glad you did it.
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