When God Breaks You.

Paul says in Philippians 4:11: "for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am in". Ok, so he had to LEARN to be content.

It took effort. It didn't come naturally. It was a process.

I feel like maybe that's the same process God has me in right now? I'm not really sure. But I definitely feel like me and God have wrestled a lot lately. With hopes/dream. WIth ideas/concepts. I don't think it's wrong to have times where you do this. But it definitely makes me feel like I am a horrible Christian.

Ever since I lost my job over a month ago I have struggled. I have struggled to find out the answer to all the "why" questions. But they don't come. And, I just pray that hopefully down the road, Soon, God will answer those questions for me.

But more importantly I pray that even if he does not, I still trust Him and lean on Him.

I find that the best thing to do when things don't make sense is to remind myself of truth. Otherwise, how can I possibly survive all of this?

Money is probably the BIGGEST area where I struggle to let go. It causes me the most worry. The most panic. The most anxiety. I hate how I have felt the longer I have gone without getting pay checks.

But God has taught me some important lessons still:

1. Humility. I think that's the biggest one. It has humbled me to remember that I rely on God for everything. That everything I have is His and not my own. Not to mention I have had to do things that I would rather not do in the process. That have cost me a lot of my pride. And, it has been pretty painful.

2. Trust. Every morning I get up and read my Bible. And my trust is renewed. Just being reminded of God's promises and truths. But then I get to the middle of the day and this is shattered. Completely. And I am thankful his mercy is new every morning to meet me in my struggle to trust my God who I know has already proven himself. It's my issue. I'm the one who struggles with doubt when I shouldn't.

3. He is the one who gets the justice on my behalf. I think over my last job. And I get bitter at the way the situation was handled. I get angry when I think of all the people still working there. And how I am sitting here without a job still while their lives get to go on. How their choice only affected them for maybe a day. And their choice has affected me every day for over a month now. I get angry and bitter. And I want revenge. I want to tell them what they did to me. I want to make it right. I want to make them feel guilty. But God has reminded me every time I feel that way that HE is the one that gets Justice. He will be the one who judges those who have wronged me. It's his place to make it right. It's my place to represent Him in all I do. And I wouldn't be representing Him if I "got even" with someone.

4. Contentment. Just like the verse above states. God is teaching me, just like he taught Paul how to be content in all circumstances. And He is reminding me of how much He has richly blessed my life. And I really have no right to be angry when He has been so gracious and loving. I should hold onto joy.

The Pain I have felt lately is oddly familiar. It's the pain of being broken, shattered and put back together to look more like Christ. It's the same pain I felt when I first went off to college. When my world was totally different and I was learning to live with others in a real way. God showed me all the ugly parts of myself that needed to change. And it was HARD to face. It was hard to swallow. And I feel the same way now as I did then.

And so I know God has used this immense pain lately to show me important things about myself. The pain is still fresh. But I know that as the wound heals it will make me into a better person in Christ. And that's what I am praying for. That in the end I will stand stronger for Christ than I did before this all happened. That I will better represent my Lord and Savior. That He will be glorified and I will be put back together as more like my Lord than I was before this happened.

So to close all of this I want to share a story that I read a few days ago. And it really touched my heart. I was given a devotion book called "Voices of the Faithful" and it is by Beth Moore. It's a compilation of letters from missionaries. They talk about their struggles on the field and how God showed his faithfulness to them. They are encouraging. And I find I can relate to them well. Not to mention, they remind me to be thinking about and praying for those on the field daily.

This story is an insert from that book and it really broke me:

HIS PRESENCE THROUGH PAIN

"When I am weak, then I am strong" 2 Corinthians 12:10b

Midnight approached as I waited beside the hospital bed of my 17-year-old-daughter. As Hilary lay motionless, images appeared of an overturned motor scooter, her unconscious body, a missionary friend searching for a pulse amid pools of blood.

Fortunately, HIlary couldn't remember the accident as she lay immobilized in cervical spine traction. The night before, she'd slept soundly from the exhaustion of the four-hour ambulance ride. Tonight, however, she remained awake from the excruciating pain.

Waiting for the pain medication, I stroked her hair and stared at the contraption immobilizing her upper body. Aptly named Gardner-Wells tongs, it was fixed against her skull by two metal pins inserted through her clean-shaven temples. The pins connected to a horseshoe-shaped bar arching over the top of her head. A 15-pound weight hung from the crown of the device, pulling against her skull and straightening her vertebrate.

"I can't do this, Mom", she whispered weakly. "Please take it off." We cried together, but I knew that removing the traction would not bring lasting relief. What she needed was strength to endure.

As we prayed, God did not bring Hilary immediate freedom from pain. Instead, the pain became the path by which He drew near. Our faith was enlarged, knowing that His presence is available each day. His power transforms us, resulting in greater change than merely removing unpleasant circumstances. Faith grows as we draw near to Him. Sometimes, only tears can cleanse our eyes enough for us to notice.

-K.P., East Asia

Father, sometimes I don't understand why you allow pain in the lives of your children, but I trust you to enlarge my faith and to transform me with your power and comfort. Give me the strength to notice your purpose in unpleasant circumstances.Amen.